Spring's In!

The Age

Saturday August 9, 2008

Janice Breen Burns

For every woman, writes Janice Breen Burns.

So this chunky size 14-to-16 girl, this middling-sized 10-to-12 girl and this pretty skinny size eight-to-10 girl, go into this tres swank frock shop, right? And the chunky girl - your average garden variety bountiful goddess type - says to the saleswoman, she says: "Good day to you, madam. My lady friends and I have closely observed the most stylish magazines and catwalks of late and concluded that spring's new modes must surely be the loveliest for some time, offering the average woman - such as our good selves - illusions of tall-ness, tan-ness young-ness and gorgeous-ness by the veritable bucket-load. We are, consequently, most eager to partake of your cherry-picked selection of the season's finest."

Well. The saleswoman looks the bountiful goddess up and down, right? And she gives a little sniff, like this: fffffttt. Then she looks the miss middling up and down, right? And gives another little sniff:ffffft. And finally, she looks pretty skinny up and down and - not a sniff this time, but a soft "aaaaah", a delicate little frisson of "she-is-one-of-my-people" recognition. "Yes!" she says, eyes all sparkle-arkly. "Yes indeed! We have tall-ness, tan-ness, young-ness and lovely-ness by the bucketload in this tres swank frock shop's first spring drops for YOU my dear!" And, she pats Pretty's boney little bum. "Please - make your perfect pretty self comfy on my couch and you will soon see what I mean!" Then, with such gusto Bountiful and Middling must jump out of the way or be flattened - she yanks out three racks, crammed fat with frocks and what-nots for Pretty to peruse.

"My dear," says the smarmy saleswoman to Pretty, as Bountiful and Middling now stagger and fume. "You simply must try all these, which are the epitome of gorgeosity and all things springily spring this spring!" And with that, she plucks frock after what-not from rack after rack.

And, this is a list of the vital spring items Simple Smarmy plucked:

One bulbous bronze dress with hemline drawn in, egg-like, at mid thigh. One tropical smudged-floral border print ankle skimmer with deep hemline ruffle and four finger empire belt. One loose drapey green, picky patterned jumpsuit with bodice frill and harem style pants clenched at the ankle. One pair fancy dove grey jodhpurs in slippery silk-esque synthetic. One white tailored linen "Hepburn" style pair of shorts with real waist band and wide, A-line cuffed legs to high-thigh. One pair romper spilled-paint-patterned crispy cotton shorts with drawn-in hems.

Still with me?

One sticky-out micro dolly skirt in molten gold lame.One pert pleated version of ditto, above, but in featherweight latte leather. (Nice touch.) One oversized violent violet boyfriend jacket with pushy-up sleeves.

Smarmy croons kindly at Pretty as she plucks: "All lovely for you," she says silkily, but; "Not for you!" And she wags glossy black talons at the two chunky friends still hovering nearby. "Not for you girls with your curves and your bums, your thighs and your calves and your breasts and your tums."

OK. So Bountiful's boiling and blistering by now, but - frankly - she can see Smarmy's point. This is spring for the slim, which she most certainly ain't. (By any stretch.) So, while Smarmy's still flourishing her frocks and whatnots, Bountiful creeps off round the back and plucks this and that and soon, with a whole new criteria, she's composed a new rack.

"Oi!" she says and, with gusto enough to stop Smarmy mid-schmooze, she yanks out HER rack from the back. "Here's OUR springy vitals! Take that!"

And this is her list, "For va-va-voom chunk-bums" as Bountiful so delicately puts it:

One pair pewter grey zuoaves, draped heavy, thick and low at the crotch, abruptly tapered to the ankles, to be worn with three finger waist belt. One drapey, dropped-waist button-front knee-grazer frock in transparent petrol blue silk with modest underslip. One thick cream macrame lace shift frock with oversized, raglan sleeves. One splashy floral silk caftan falling gently to the ankles (belt optional). One calf-grazer full gathered skirt in sage green. One tightly tailored hourglass peplum jacket with structured shoulders, shaped waist, and hip flare. One duster or "spring" coat to be worn open over anything. One soft unstructured silver paillette crusted vest to be worn open over anything. One thick silk gypsy blouse with full sleeves.One pink tulip-shaped knee skirt with front opening "petal" panels.

So, this saleswoman sees Bountiful crystal-ping-clearly for the very first time since she waltzed into her swanky-wank frockshop with her middling and skinny friends, right? And, "Ker-ching," Smarmy says kindly, "I mean, my DEAR, let's go through those options again, shall we?" Well. "And, why not?" counters Bountiful, linking arms with her friends, "But, I'll take my size 14-to-16 bum to the frocker next door for this spring's vital things thanks." Fffffft!

© 2008 The Age

Back to News Index | Back to Home